sometimes I wish we never built this palace
by mirajens
Summary: Don't ask me to stay. I'm just trying not to fall apart.


**A/N** : This is for Nani, who I imagine is a lot depressed to leave Japan. I hope this cheers you up a bit.

* * *

 **sometimes I wish we never built this palace**

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Ten years was a lot of time.

Laxus hadn't set foot in Magnolia in that long while, and the roads might have improved and the streets were more packed than it used to be, but things were still the same.

He could have stopped by his old house first to freshen up. Mavis knew what a long journey he'd walked, but muscle memory took him to the guild. He didn't think he'd be able to settle down until he reported to Master and got it all over with.

He thought of nothing as he pushed through the heavy double doors and strode to the backmost room. The baffled faces of his comrades and whatever they called out to him fell on deaf ears. There would be time for that later. Everything had a time for later. Right now, he just wanted to report. Then go home, then get some fucking sleep on a bed that didn't make his back hurt.

He didn't knock before entering the Master's office. He never used to, when it was just gramps. He didn't plan on reforming old habits now. Erza sat behind the desk now. Laxus didn't know why he expected it not to hurt after all these years. Makarov had been dead for a decade and Erza had been in charge since then, but it still stung.

To her credit, Erza didn't look surprised to see her prodigal mage burst into her office. She did look a little annoyed though. She set her pen down and steepled her fingers over the documents she'd been signing. "Welcome home, Laxus. How was your quest?"

Laxus stopped taking in the office. Erza didn't change much aside from moving some stuff and adding her own trinkets here and there. "I got the job done, if that's what you're asking."

"You've been sparse with your reports, but I didn't have any doubts you'd succeed." She sat back on her armchair, a picture of kind authority. "Have you found your peace?"

Laxus had to appreciate how Erza got to the point. This conversation wouldn't have to last any longer than it had to. "Are you the guild shrink now, too?"

"I like to think I'm your friend, so indulge me. You left under unfortunate circumstances. I'd like to know if you're better now."

Laxus took his time to answer. As his gaze yet again roamed the room his grandfather used to own, he inspected himself for any remorse. The darkness still lingered there, but it no longer consumed him. "Yeah, sure. Better. Whatever. I'm not going to burn the guild down, if that's what you're worried about."

Erza's brows knit together. "I'd hope not. We're still paying for the new floors." She sighed and accepted that now was not the time to question Laxus. He had more urgent matters waiting for him. "We'll discuss your mission another day. You must be tired, and your friends still wait to greet you." Her tone changed subtly, but enough that Laxus caught it. "You can have time off to settle your affairs before I put you back on active duty."

Laxus cocked a brow. "Settle my affairs? I didn't know I had any to settle."

"How about you clean your house and get some sleep, for starters? Do you really need someone younger than you to remind you how to re-establish your life?"

Laxus laughed at that. "You're just horrible at being vague, is all. What, am I in trouble? Did I forget to pay my tab before I left?"

Erza watched Laxus rise from her visitor chair. She thought, Laxus ought to figure it out himself. But she never did take him as a very sensitive man. Before he could go, she called out to him again, lest her nerves catch up with her. She didn't want to get involved, but she wanted her guild to maintain its peace. "You might want to find Mirajane. She has the day off, so she might be at home." Erza paused, selecting her words carefully from a jumbled train of thought. "Ah... You have some things to discuss."

Laxus scoffed, then left. Things to discuss. Right.

* * *

( **ten years ago** )

 _The tension in the room was palpable. Mirajane tried her best to sit calmly on the bed as she watched Laxus grab clothes for travelling and stick it into a bag. She tried not to be affected by his mania; one of them had to be rational here._

" _Can you please stop for a moment and talk to me, Laxus?" she begged._

 _He wouldn't even look at her. "Leave me alone, Mira. I told you we're through."_

 _She knew that. It hadn't even been ten minutes since he declared that he was done with their relationship and that he was leaving Magnolia, all in one breath. It still stung, but it just didn't seem true. "Laxus, you're not thinking-"_

" _I don't have to think about anything." Laxus pulled at the drawstrings of his bag and tossed it on the bed. He turned back to his closet and pulled out clothes to change into. "I don't expect you to understand. That's why I'm doing you the courtesy of breaking up with you, so you don't have to deal with my problems, all right?" He tugged off his button down shirt and replaced it with a sturdier Tshirt. "Gramps is dead."_

 _Mirajane had not been shocked into tears when Laxus first said that they were done and he was leaving. But now she cried. She couldn't help the fat tears that rolled down her cheeks. "You're upset right now, I know. Master just died and-"_

" _Yeah, I know he just died. You don't need to remind me." Laxus shook his head and tried to bite down on the bitterness in his tone. He knew deep down that Mira didn't deserve his harshness, but it eked out of him like poison. "All my family is dead. I don't have any more reason to stay in this bullshit town."_

 _Mirajane tried not to reply to that, but the words left her lips before she could stop them. "What about me?"_

 _Laxus stopped his maddened pacing and stopped in front of Mirajane. She looked so fragile and distraught. It almost made him consider changing his mind. "Don't ask me to stay." He sat down on the mattress next to her and held her hands in his. "I'm just trying not to fall apart. I don't know what else to do with myself."_

You can stay here and let me help you. You can stay here, and we can rebuild. _But Mirajane said none of that. It would have been cruel to. When she sobbed, Laxus took her into his arms and pressed his lips to the crown of her head._

" _I'm sorry, Mira. I'll try to come home soon."_

 _It was a promise he didn't intend to keep. He left Mirajane crying on his bed and marched into the guild that was still mourning the loss of his grandfather. He made eye contact with but one person, the de facto Master now that Makarov was gone. Erza held his gaze, as if she knew his intention. She drew away from her husband and met Laxus halfway._

" _Have you made up your mind about the ten year quest?"_

* * *

Laxus took his sweet time unpacking his small bag and cleaning out his apartment. he'd left the guild through the back door to avoid having to deal with everyone who wanted to talk to him. He was tired, and as Erza put it, he had affairs to settle. The prospect of facing Mira made him nervous. So many things had changed for him, and he'd bet things had changed for her as well. He refused to auto analyze if his feelings had changed as well. It was too much to think about right now, so he bid his time cleaning his house.

It didn't even take him until dusk to finish. Nothing much waited for him back home; no plants, no fussy pets, just dust and moth-eaten clothes. He never used to keep much. His apartment used to be as impersonal as an inn room, lacking any personal photos, decorative art, or knick knacks collected over an adventurous life.

By the time he worked up the nerve to go to Mira's house, it was already late into the night. As he walked the familiar path to her house, he hardened himself against the idea that she might be married now. She'd always wanted that for herself, and maybe, he'd wanted that with her, too. He just never got around to following through.

Bracing himself, Laxus knocked on the door. Back then, a huffing Elfman or a cheery Lisanna would have greeted him. Now, it might be some husband, annoyed by his wife's ex-boyfriend dropping by so late.

Before Laxus' nerves could dig in, the door opened. A heavy stone sank in his gut as he stared at the kid who answered his knock. The boy had Mirajane's hair but his face was the same that Laxus saw when he looked in the mirror when he'd been younger. Laxus recognized his own features more prominently when the boy frowned much like he did.

"Who are you?" the boy snapped.

Before Laxus could open his mouth, someone interrupted, "Yuri, that is _not_ how you answer the door, how many times have I told you?"

Mirajane came into the frame, looking startled when she saw who her visitor was. Immediately, she shuffled he son behind her. "Laxus. What are you doing here?"

Yet again, Laxus was interrupted. " _That's_ him? He's the dick uncle Elf was talking about?"

"Yuri! We're gonna talk about your language later, young man. Go to your room right now and stay there." Mirajane whirled to face her son. The dangerous aura of the She Devil radiated. "I mean it."

The boy climbed the stairs without another word.

Mirajane turned back to face Laxus. She kept wiping her hands on the lap of her pretty dress, a habit Laxus recognized from when she got nervous. She was still so heartbreakingly stunning after all this time. Looking at her made ugly things pang behind Laxus' chest. She looked like what coming home felt like.

"Come in. We can talk in the living room."

Much like the Master's office, not a lot had changed in the Strauss house. Furniture had been moved around some, and some of the colors were different. Children's toys punctuated what used to be an all-adult space and there were more photographs on the walls. Still, the bones were the same and the ambiance remained. It was good to come back to things that didn't change much.

Laxus sat on the sofa, and was shocked when Mirajane chose the seat beside him instead of the arm chair in front of him.

"Please keep your voice down. Yuri is nosy." Mirajane took in a deep breathe, and released it slowly to calm herself. To prepare herself. "This must be a lot to take in."

"Is he mine?" Laxus blurted out. He had to ask. He only heard how bad it sounded when it was too late.

Mirajane's brow twitched but she managed to keep her expression neutral. "He looks just like you. What do you _think_?" She used that patient tone of hers that she reserved for when Natsu was being a dolt. Laxus didn't really appreciate her using it on him, but now was not the time to complain.

"I don't want to assume. I've been gone a long time."

"So you were." Mirajane smoothed at the skirt of her dress again. "Yuri is your child. He was born six months after you left."

"Shit." The blood drained from his head and he felt his throat to be as narrow as a pinprick. He pushed his head between his knees and forced himself to breathe. Holy fuck. The gravity of the situation was only dawning on him. He had a son. Mira had his son and he left her all alone to do it because of his bullshit angst. "I have a son. I have a son and I fucking abandoned you and when you were pregnant."

There were too many thoughts fighting for the spotlight in his head. How come nobody wrote him about this? How come Erza's replies to his status updates never once mentioned that he left a pregnant girlfriend behind or that said girlfriend gave birth or that there was a tiny human that he needed to pay child support for? Mavis on a stick! He had a _son._ And all these years he never even thought about going back home, where the last of his family had died and the concept of home ceased to exist. Mira must have suffered while he gallivanted across the world, chasing after crime and filling his nights with cheap booze and easy women. The idea of it all made bile churn under his ribs.

"Are you all right?" Mira's soft voice washed over him and all the warmth in his body focused on the spot where her hand touched to soothe him.

Laxus peeked up from his position to look at her. She was so close. How could she bear it? He was such an asshole. "Are _you?_ "

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"That's a loaded question. But let's start with how I basically left you to raise our son on your own."

"Who says I do it alone?"

Laxus flinched from her touch immediately. "Are you, uh, married?"

Mirajane's grin was quick. "I am, uh, not married," she replied mockingly. "I'm also not an island. My family and our friends help me. It hasn't been easy raising Yuri, but it's not as hard as it needs to be when I have all the support that I have."

Laxus exhaled. It was suddenly so hot in this room. Or maybe it was just him. Sweat was beading on his brow and running down his back, like he was some sort of pig. Mira, on the other hand, looked immaculate. How was that possible? The world around him was crumbling but she sat there like his panic was something odd. "I really don't know what to say to you right now, Mirajane."

Would 'sorry' suffice? She'd probably kick him in the balls. An apology didn't fix ten years of absent fathering. Should he promise her the world? Should he offer his head on a platter?

"To be honest, I don't know what to say as well. I didn't know you'd be back this year. Erza would have warned me."

"I didn't write anyone much."

"No kidding." When Laxus flinched again, Mirajane laughed. "Sorry. You're just so tense that it's making _me_ tense. I should fill you in. I know you have a lot of questions.

"His name is Yuri. Master-that is, Makarov-san- used to talk to me a lot about his father, and what a great man he was. After he passed, I thought he'd like for his great-grandchild to have the name. Yuri will be nine this year, in the fall. He just joined the guild, but he's still learning magic."

"No wonder he called me a dick." Bad language was something that came with the guild mark. Bad language, poor manners and just a touch of social ineptitude. It really was no place for children, but Laxus couldn't have imagined his own childhood somewhere else.

"I don't like the words he picks up at the guild. Or the gossip he hears. I suppose he feels a certain way about you, though I have been trying to spare him the talk about his father. I can't filter everything he hears or the opinions he make. I keep telling myself that I'd sit him down one of these days and we would talk about you, but I kept finding excuses not to. That was just another mistake I made on top of many. I refused to talk about you, but Yuri's been so starved for information about his father. It's my fault that he had to rely on gossip and he hung on every scrap of it."

Laxus couldn't imagine those would be good scraps. He wasn't really famous for being a kind man. He was the guy who tried to use Thunder Palace on his guild mates. "Why didn't you write me? If I had known, I would have come home to help you."

"It was selfish of me. I realize that now. I guess I just didn't know where to send it, or how to even start writing it. And to be honest, I didn't know if you would have still wanted me, or to be a father, at least. I don't know if you remember, but my last memory of you was when you were packing your clothes and trying to break up with me at the same time." Mirajane grinned sheepishly, while Laxus sat baffled. "By the time I found out I was pregnant, you weren't even in the continent anymore."

"Mira, if I had _known_..." Laxus pinched the bridge of his nose to fight the tension building up in his brain. "It's my fault for leaving. But if I had known, I would have come back. Without a doubt."

"There's no point in blaming ourselves. We both made a lot of bad decisions. You're here now, and you know. You can be a part of it all. That's what matters now."

"Can I meet him?" The initial meeting just didn't sit right with Laxus. There was never a scenario in his imagination that would include him meeting his son for the first time in ten years and his son calling him a dick instead of saying hello.

Mirajane's lips pursed. "I have to know if you're going to stay. I don't mean to give you an ultimatum, but Yuri has been deeply hurt by not having a father figure in his life. I can't let you walk into his life if you're going to walk right back out and just return when it's convenient for you. He's my baby. I'm going to protect him from that, if nothing else."

Desperation surged in Laxus. "I can commit to my own son. I didn't mean to be gone."

"I know. I'm sorry I robbed you of the chance to be there for him. I was a coward."

When Mira's voice crackled, Laxus took her hand. "You're the bravest fucking woman I know."

She simpered at that, tears glassing over her big, blue eyes and making her look so devastatingly beautiful. "We have a lot to work on, Laxus. Seriously. I would kill even you if you break our baby's heart."

"What do I need to do to show you how into this I am? I'm gonna buy a house. I'll teach him magic if he wants. I'll retire at thirty-five and be a full time dad. We can get married."

Mirajane drew her hand back as if he'd burned her. "Whoa there. How about we focus on Yuri first?"

Laxus' expression pinched. "What, are you seeing someone?"

"No! It doesn't necessarily mean I want to pick up where we left off. You know, _before you dumped me?_ "

"You don't?" Laxus looked skeptical.

Mirajane blushed. "I don't know! I'm not a carefree teenager anymore, Laxus. I have a child now. _We_ have a child. We can focus on him and just see where it goes from there."

"Okay." Laxus nodded. He was a reasonable man. "Just to be clear, though, you're not seeing anyone right now and you're kind of open to us getting married one day, right?"

Mirajane punched him lightly in the stomach.

"I'm gonna go ahead and mark that down as a 'maybe'."

Mirajane shook her head. "I'll call Yuri." She rose.

"No need, mom." The boy walked into the room without any shame. Mirajane huffed. "I was listening in the hall." Yuri sat on the armchair across his father and leveled him with his gaze. "That was the most half-assed marriage proposal I've ever heard. And I've seen uncle Natsu propose."

Mira's lips twitched into a smile. "Say a more polite hello to your father, Yuri."

"Do you do magic?" Yuri asked instead.

"Well, yeah." Laxus raised his hand and made a small current of lightning dance around his knuckles. Even though Yuri tried not to be impressed, his eyes widening betrayed his excitement.

"Your dad is a very powerful mage. He was almost guild master once," Mirajane told her son.

The boy scoffed. "So was uncle Jellal. But aunt Erza says he just spends all of his time taking care of cactus now."

"I can beat Jellal's butt any day. Or Erza's." Laxus said, his unimpressed expression mirroring his son's so much that it made Mirajane laugh.

"Did you mean it when you said you'll teach me magic?" Yuri asked.

"If you want," Laxus said. He'd have all the time to do what he wanted now that he had a reason to stay. "I'm not going anywhere, kid."

The unease in Laxus still bubbled, but a soft kind of relief kept him tethered to the ground. There was still much to take in, and much to dream upon. He had a son now, and he intended to plant roots. Laxus looked at Mirajane, saw unbridled happiness in her eyes and swore that he'd never see it gone. When he looked at his son again, he felt a swell of hope, terrifying but exhilarating.

* * *

 **A/N** : We all saw that Mashima art of the Miraxus lovechild. I haven't been able to know peace since. So I wrote this little story to honor him, but I just lost steam at the end lol. I started writing this when I was high and now that I'm not high anymore, well. I just kind of bullshitted the ending.

Cheers to me finally breaking an eight month writer's block! Title borrowed from Sam Smith's Palace.


End file.
